a matter of survival

Ever have songs in your life that you love, but in their content they don't really specifically point to your life in any way, and then suddenly one day, they do? And you're like, "Oh my god, that song was singing about this point in my life years ago, and I only know it now."

While I was living in Tel Aviv, I made a CD of songs that seemed sort of fierce and strong to me, and made copies and sent them to all of my friends. We were all fresh out of college at that time, struggling with our first steps into true independence (is it still true independence if I'm moving home to my mother's house?? eesh), and I thought these songs expressed something in me that battled to be realized. They made me feel brave when in fact I was cowering in a corner.

I guess they still do that. But I pulled the CD out today and it occured to me that all of these songs sing to me NOW. So perfectly, I almost wonder if, three years ago, I was struggling with this same decision.

First there's the part of me that just wants to break away, that feels the calling to leave, the part that thinks, Since you left, I'm feeling better - that's what you get when you stay together too long. And the part of me that aches to just GO sings wouldn't it be good if we could hop a flight to anywhere - so long to this life.

It could be worse, I could've missed my calling.

There's the part of me that is just fierce and wild and wants to kick and thrash against the pain. This part of me isn't very big and doesn't overpower the rest of me, but it's there. It sings, I'm not gonna lie, not gonna make up my mind tonight - I'm not gonna pretend, I cleared outta town so I could clear my head - I'm not gonna smile, all the shit that's happened's gonna take awhile... That part of me is the wild-woman part who flexes my muscles and keeps me moving when I think I just can't face another day of this. It says, I'm not gonna think about all the shit you want me to think - I'm not gonna say who I spent my time with yesterday - and I'm not gonna choose, cuz in the end either way I'd still lose - and I'm not gonna wait - I was thinking about drinking my way through today....

And then the part of me that just wants to be HOME. It aches for the comfort of it: I think I'd like to go back home and take it easy - there's a woman that I'd like to get to know living there - everybody seems to wonder what it's like down here - gotta get away from this day-to-day running around - everybody knows, this is nowhere.

Got any songs that I should listen to, that will get me through the next 2 weeks? Please share them. I will put them in my ipod and listen to them on repeat until my car crosses into Arkansas and I can start to put this chapter behind me.