From Transcending Union Always Forward

Yesterday was one of the hardest days, but in a totally new way. First of all, I'd only slept 4-5 hours and then had to work for 12 hours, which in itself was fairly hellish. But at work I sent an email to the whole campus telling them that I'm leaving in two weeks. The result was the equivalent of standing in a receiving line at a wake all freakin' day. I got a dozen emails from people telling me how much they've appreciated me and the work I've done, which would have been flattering if I weren't so damned depressed. All day long people were stopping by my office, hugging me, crying, telling me how sorry they are, that they'll miss me, that they hope I'm okay. I told them each that I'm sad to go, that I wouldn't do it unless I had to, that no, I'm not okay, but I will be. It was freakin' exhausting. By the end of the day I didn't have energy left to smile at the kids. I took them outside and asked them to play kickball by themselves - so not like me!

This is maybe one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I'm amazed that it still feels RIGHT. For all the pain it's causing - in myself as well as in Tex (and that pain, the shadow I see in her eyes, the way she looks at me with an expression of begging and pleading and how-can-you-do-this-to-me, is sort of worse than my own) - it feels like I'm finally stepping into who I really am, what I really need, what I really want. It's like part of me has been severed for a long time, and I'm now being stitched back together. Of course, it involves severing something else - this relationship, this life. But as I close this chapter of my history and move into the future, I feel like... well, I feel like one of those tiny capsules that you put in water and watch it grow into a dinosaur-shaped sponge, or a little mini strong man, or rubbery lizard or something. Like this experience, this decision, is freeing me to grow out into who I really am.

And I pray that the same happens for Tex. She may not forgive me for awhile... she may come to hate me for a bit... either way, neither of us will be Okay for quite some time. But I pray, and pray hard, that she comes through this... that she grows into her fullest Self... that she forgives me as she takes possession of her own strength. Sigh. I love her still, and I have to hurt her, and that SUCKS.

So yesterday began the long string of goodbyes to my LIFE here. It's been a good life. I think I've done some good work at my program. One of the teachers there told me that she's been at the school for 9 years and she's seen a lot of teachers come and go, but she thinks I'm the biggest loss the school has ever had. I cried at that. Shit. At least I know I've made a difference, and leave behind me a strong program, and teachers who support afterschool, and hopefully - I pray - some kids who will survive their difficult lives, taking with them some of the love and strength that my staff and I have tried to impart.

Fuck, this is hard.

Have I told any of you how much I love my cat? He sits on my desk beside me, breathing slow and purring, watching my words appear on the screen as if he has any clue what they mean. Trust me, he can't read - the boy can hardly figure out how to keep his pee inside the litter box - but he's absolutely my favorite animal on the earth. He's coming with me on the long ride home. Jessica reminded me not to let him steer. Good advice like this is always welcome, friends. Pass it along. :)

Here we go into another difficult day. "From night into day, from transcending union / always forward into difficult day," as Galway Kinnel writes. Always forward.