Beyond the Why

Tex and I tried to talk this morning and it didn't go very far. She's stuck on wanting to know WHY I'm leaving, and the only Why I have to tell her isn't satisfying. She knows what I'm saying when I tell her that I feel my life pulling me home and out of our relationship, but she thinks that I've commited to her, and that my commitment requires me to "Work it out." I understand that she thinks there should be a bigger reason, a better one, if I'm going to give up on this commitment and leave. But I just don't have anything else to say. I feel that our relationship has run its course, and she disagrees. It's sort of a self-fulfilling prophesy on my part - my decision that our relationhip has run its course means that I can't put anything else into it - and therefore, as I can't put more into it, it HAS run its course. I guess that's fuzzy logic. But it sort of feels like the whole thing was inevitable from the moment I thought to myself, "Please break up with me, I want to go home." In that instant, everything changed for me. The desire to be out of this relationship was stronger than the desire to be in it.

Is there blame in a situation like this? I don't really know. I mentally left the relationship with very little notice to her, and the suddenness with which it happened was sort of... unfair. I wish I'd seen it coming more clearly, but would that have mattered? She wants me to stay, to work it out, to go to therapy or something... to find out WHY I want to leave so badly, and fix that. But it's not something I want to fix. I think she feels betrayed by that. I can't blame her - I'm leaving her, of course she's angry and hurt and confused. But I just honestly feel like I can't do anything else. I don't know how to explain it.

I only hope that at some point she can move beyond the Why. I don't think she's ever going to hear an answer that makes her feel better. Even if I had the clearest reason in the world (what that would even be, I'm not sure - to be with someone else? that I fell out of love?? neither are true), would that make her feel better? Would she then say, "Okay, you're right, you should go - godspeed, peace be with you, thank you for loving me while you could, no hard feelings, take care!" Not a chance. The pain of this rupture is too huge on both sides. There's nothing either of us can say that would make this not hurt.

Love is really f'ing confusing, don't you think?!