Jump Ship and Swim

There's nothing like a little high-school-era Ani sung at the top of your lungs for catharsis. I pulled out my old CDs today and blasted them while I bounced around my apartment, cleaning and straightening. I'm trying not to think about how much I'll miss it here. Sigh. A lot of this week has been a case of Mind Over Matter. If I can fully deny the reality that in one week I'll be on the road somewhere between here and Little Rock, Arkansas, I can get through the day without crying. If I can forget that my relationship of four-and-a-half years has crumbled and blows in the wind like so much dust, then I can eat and sleep like a normal person. The literal reality of this moment - freshly showered, in my home, with the cat, waiting for Max and Kath to get back from San Antonio - is just, ya know. Whatever. But the emotional reality of this moment is the equivalent of a rabid pekingese dog, thrashing and foaming at the mouth, absolutely dying to sink its sharp little teeth into my neck. I hold it at arm's length. When it's over there, three-feet-plus away from my face, I can for the most part pretend it doesn't exist. Occasionally the thrashing and foaming gets irritating. But I just turn away.

I have a vision of what it will be like when I actually get in my car and pull away from this little house on Maplewood Ave. Waving to Tex in the window, I will realize the weight of my decision and the fact that, driving away, I can't ever come back again. As I watch my life disappear in the rearview mirror, I just might hyperventilate. Hmmmm. Maybe I'll leave extra-early so that I can have an hour to park my car around the corner and collect myself.

Well, isn't this depressing! Jesus. I'm actually feeling okay today. Go figure.

In lieu of anything cheerful to say here today, I'm going to give you some of the things I've been wailing out. My goodness. How lame of me. Still, here it comes. Sing with me, ladies!
--
I've had a lack of inhibition, I've had a loss of perspective
I've had a little bit to drink and it's making me think
that I can jump ship and swim
that the ocean will hold me
that there's got to be more than this boat I'm in
- -
I don't care if they eat me alive
I've got better things to do than survive
I've got the memory of your warm skin in my hands
and I've got a vision of the sky and dry land
--
A little bird told me that jumping is easy
that falling is fun
right up til you hit the sidewalk
shivering and stunned

they can call me crazy if I fail
all the chance that I need is one in a million
and they can call me brilliant
if I succeed
Gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
I'm gonna get my feet wet until I drown
--

And now I'm going to go sit in the sun and tan. Huzzah!