Everything Old is New Again

When I started this blog I imagined taking nights in my hotel rooms on my way across the country to write in here. I pictured myself processing my transition from Arkansas, Tennessee, Virginia.... But that didn't happen. In fact, I drove more than 10 hours each day and kept my mind at a healthy remove from the distance growing each minute between myself and my old life. Now here I am in Massachusetts, and I've hardly given myself the space to think about it. It was very much a matter of survival, I think. Easier to put one foot in front of the other when you don't think too much about where you're going.

Leaving Tex was the single hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I forced myself to walk into my car. I forced myself to turn it on, to back away. It felt like wrapping my hand around my heart, gritting my teeth, squeezing my eyes shut, and yanking. I've never done anything more difficult than that. Nothing.

But once I was gone, it got easier. More pain is waiting for me, I'm sure - you don't heal w/ time or distance, but with processing, and that's only begun.... But once I'd said goodbye and actually left, I felt some peace. My last two weeks in Texas were hard as hell. The anger, the pain, the fighting, all of it. So once I was gone, I could sit with my decision and know that it's right.

Now, get this, everyone: three hours after I left Tex, she got a call from the midwifery school in Portland that she'd been waitlisted for. They told her that she got in, and she had a week to get there before classes started. So at this moment, our apartment is empty. She's in Dallas. Moving to Oregon today, actually. This increases the mind-fuck portion of our programming 150%. I'm ridiculously happy for her, and my god it feels like it's meant to be this way. But there's a whole new level of processing that needs to happen now.

So, it's a rainy day. Again. Erin is coming over to help me unpack and set up my "new" digs. I'm living in my mother's house, in a boring suburban town that holds my entire history. I'll write more about my journey later. For now, all there is to do is make coffee and stare straight ahead, dumbfounded.